One of the things I’ve been struggling with lately is feeling cruel.

For anyone who knows me, this would probably make more sense, so let me explain a bit before I continue.

I was the kind of girl who couldn’t cuss, I know it’s strange and I couldn’t explain it, but for my whole life I had been raised in a home where no one cussed and we went through a time of not having television and very limited which movies we watched, so I never heard many cuss words.

But for some reason I could never fully bring myself to cuss. Which I was okay with, so I couldn’t cuss, so what? It didn’t and doesn’t have to be something I familiarize myself with.

I was innocent. I had no idea what people were talking about sometimes.

Until

Yes, until my first boyfriend.

I had known him for about nine years. We had known each other as little kids when we both lived in the same area then both our families moved away and we lost contact. A few years later, we managed to find each others’ email addresses and started talking again. By my 17th birthday he decided he liked me too and wanted to know if I wanted to be his girlfriend. It would be a long-distance relationship. I told him he had to ask my Dad first, cause it’s the way I wanted things to be. He got permission from my Dad and we started our relationship.

I was happy at first. He was my best friend and for a few weeks there we both thought we had found the person we were going to spend the rest of our lives with.

We were wrong.

One thing, I had no thought of is that my boyfriend was depressed, something like a mix between gothic and emo he would say. I was the only person he knew who would listen to him vent about anything, and since we talked on IM every day for a few hours I got a steady stream of everything going wrong in his life.

During the two months we had been dating, I had begun to disappear. I began to get depressed and easily annoyed and couldn’t see what was wrong. I barely spoke. I could have counted how many times I spoke in a day I spoke so little.

You see, my personality is the glass half full type. I’m bubbly and excited, you would always catch me smiling. After having so much negativity thrown at me, day after day, I wasn’t able to handle it. I can’t understand the whole psychology of it, but it was destroying me.

Not only did I become depressed, he “schooled” me on all the x-rated talk, just listening to him talk a few times made it so now I understand almost every dirty joke I happen to hear now.

He stole my mental innocence.

I began praying, I hadn’t known why I had stopped, if I would have been smart at all I would have ended the relationship sooner. But I prayed, I asked God to help me, I knew somehow this was destroying me and I needed out, but I loved him so much, he was my best friend, how could he hurt me like this? I knew I wasn’t strong enough end it.

A few nights later, he broke up with me. It was heart wrenching, I knew it was for the best and an answer to my prayer, but it didn’t help the heart break. I broke off all contact, I couldn’t talk to him now, I knew I would get too angry and say something I regretted. I still loved him, I still do now. But he changed.

During this recovery time I spent more time with family and confided in my best friends, they helped me through. Then, my best friend, who happens to be a guy, asks me if I want to be his girlfriend. There is only one problem I could forsee. He was Catholic and I was Christian, not many differences, but a few. But, I decided to ignore these and told him he had to ask my Dad. Dad consented and our relationship began.

It was wonderful, like nothing I had ever experienced with my first boyfriend. My friend was a gentleman, he was sweet and kind and innocent. He never put me through anything that my first boyfriend had.

Religion and beliefs aside, it would have been perfect.

I struggled, after learning more about the Catholic beliefs. I could see nothing wrong necessarily with being Catholic, but praying to the saints was a bit far for me to step. I thought it wouldn’t matter, and pushed it to the back of my mind.

A few weeks later though I was sitting alone, and as usual when I’m alone I thought things over. I knew that it would become a problem. Both of our views on dating were getting to know each other for a few years to see if you’re compatible enough to get married. And I knew right then that being married would mean I would stop going to the church I was going to with my family and go to the Catholic Church.

I couldn’t do that. I loved him, but how could I give up the way I practice my beliefs for a guy? When it wouldn’t be fair to him to have a girl who was skeptical about his beliefs? I knew what had to be done but I couldn’t bear the thought of breaking his heart. He had done nothing to offend me in the three months we had been dating, he had been nothing but nice. There wasn’t any problem besides beliefs.

I was so angry at myself, why did I even say yes? I knew I shouldn’t have. Why didn’t I listen to my intuition.

I prayed again, I asked God to help me, if this was what God wanted, I would have assurance that it was the right thing. If it wasn’t, He would break up with me.

That was safe, I thought, I would know it was a good thing and not be so heartbroken about it.

A few days passed, no assurance came and there was absolutely no sign of him breaking up with me. He loved me, and I hadn’t given him any reason to be angry at all.

I knew that this was God saying I needed to do it. He would have given me assurance if it was the right thing. I started crying when I realized this. I had gotten into this, I could get myself out. God would be there to help me, but sometimes we have to make decisions like this and have to follow through.

I wrote a very long email message, explaining why I was doing this all the while crying. I couldn’t explain enough how sorry I was. How could I convince someone it wasn’t them that was the problem? I knew exactly how he felt, heart shattered, it was hard to breath, he probably either started crying or he got angry.

I felt horrible, I didn’t know I could be so cruel. It was harder to break up with him than to have been broken up with.

Now I had lost two friends, even if my second ex still wanted to be friends I knew it would be a while before he was fully healed and could handle talking again. So I’m giving him room to heal. Praying for him and trying to keep from hating myself.

Love hurts. Not while you’re in love, but the aftermath of a break up. Or perhaps it is not love that hurts, but the heartbreak hurts.

I know I wouldn’t survive this time without God and my loving family. I know it sounds all holyish, but seriously, if I didn’t know that God has a plan for my life and I didn’t know that my Family knows I am good and help me through whatever problems I have, I would probably not be alive right now.

I feel so guilty and so heartbroken over how cruel I could be to someone who didn’t ever do anything to hurt me in any way.

But I know that God has a plan for my life, I’m a senior in highschool this year, I need to focus on the math test I have to re-take in order to graduate. I have to finish up my life at home, not by being consumed with boys, but loving my family, these are my last few years a home and I need to soak it in and not jump into the future when I’m still grounded in the past. I would tear apart then. I have to take things a day at a time, a figure out my life. It’s hard to do, but I have to do it, I have to forget all of the lies about myself in my head. “How could you be so cruel?” “How could you lie to him?” I can’t listen to those lies. I wasn’t cruel, I was being fair to him, he deserves to have a chance at a happy life with someone who believes the same as he does. And I never lied to him, everything I said was true.

You see how easy it is to discredit the lies? I’m here to say, I’ve been through all this, so if you’re going through the same thing, take a look at the lies. They’re stupid! It’s so easy to discredit them. If you believe in Christ, then rebuke them. It’s so simple.

This is just one of the few things I’ve been thinking about lately and I thought that maybe it would help someone else.

Peace in Christ,

~Rebecca~

Psalm 147:3 (KJV) "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."

Psalm 34:18 (KJV) "The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."